Mount Bromo, a volcano in Indonesia, is spewing plumes of smoke and ash into the air. Not only is the volcano causing pollution and disrupting flight schedules due to visibility issues, it has refused to work with negotiators or mitigate its behavior in any way.
The EPA has sent officers to confront the volcano and arrests are expected soon. When asked how the volcano will be remanded into custody, the EPA officials were baffled. "We don't exactly have that part figured out yet," one anonymous source told this reporter, "but we can't disregard this blatant criminal action on the part of any natural element. Next thing you know, rivers will go where they want and winds will blow where they may. No, we've got to nip this in the bud right now. This volcano is just simply being rude." Questions of whether an arrest was the best approach to the problem met with this snippy response, "Well, we can't exactly pull its panties down and spank it, can we?"
I then asked if he thought the volcano was contributing to environmental concerns, and he rolled his eyes. "Of course! You're probably too young to remember, but eruptions such as these used to lead to global cooling. Then they led to global warming, you know. Now they mainly lead to climate change. But no matter what you call it, it's destructive and it's a demonstration of poor manners on the part of the volcano."
"How about rehabilitation programs?" I queried.
"Not in this case," he fumed. "Statistics show that doesn't work."
When questioned about jurisdictional problems that might arise from the arrest of the volcano by the USA's EPA, he refused to answer. More on this story as it develops.
Filed by: Ima Lyer, freelance reporter
It has been discovered that a wizard of immense power has traveled through the Giant Blue Iris Portal and has arrived on Earth near the center of the United States. The wizard had to travel across barren lands of granite gravel to reach the portal. It is uncertain why the wizard has come to our lands but we fear he might have ulterior motives since it takes bravery beyond words to enter the Blue Iris, much less to avail oneself by using the portal itself. This news reporter wishes the world luck.
Freelance Reporter | Ima Gon Nahidenow | November 27, 2010
New Castle boys were reported to the police by a town councilman for selling cupcakes in the park this fall.
The police are cracking down on these pockets of illicit enterprise, setting a harsh example for others who might follow in the tracks of these pint-sized entrepreneurs.
“We can’t have kids out there just earning money for themselves,” stated one source close to the situation. “What kind of world are we living in? The kind of place where youngsters think it’s ok to work for a living? To their own bosses? To be resourceful? I don’t want to live in a world like that. No, sir. We’ve got to clamp down on this dangerous sense of independence and self-reliance before it mushrooms.”
Another official was quoted as saying, “It just chaps my hide that these kids would have the nerve to go out there and start their own business and make money. Usually we have to deal with drug peddlers and thieves. We’re not used to handling honest hardworking kids, and we don’t like it.”
One confidential source reveals, “On the surface, it might look harmless. But if you look deeper, you realize these kids are shrugging off years of public school indoctrination into the system of learned helplessness and dependency that our society depends on for future voters. They’ve obviously been thinking for themselves. It could get out of hand. Someday, they might want to start their own businesses or create a new product or cure a disease. The possibilities for mass damage are frightening.”
Other areas of juvenile commerce to be targeted by the new crackdown include lemonade stands, doing chores for grandma, trading baseball cards, and swapping Silly Bandz bracelets.
“We plan to micromanage and regulate every small detail of society from the amount of salt used to the kind of speech allowed. It’s our job to monitor every aspect of your life. Plus, we need the revenue from licensing to cover our outrageous spending practices. As you know, government from the top down tends to fund useless studies, unappealing works of art, and worthless projects that benefit no one. If we start losing money because of failure to pay licensing fees, some turtles in the Everglades might not get their crossing lane on a remote roadway or scientists won’t have the money to study cow flatulence. I know that seems like a reach since this is just a local issue, but these cupcake sales are just a gateway to bigger forms of tax evasion,” stated an unnamed government official.
Stiff fines and long jail sentences are being considered for all kids caught selling or trading anything without a license.
“We’ll teach those little &*##@s not to try and earn money by working,” said one hard-faced official.
It is theorized this move will lead to a thriving black market for cupcakes and lemonade.
Freelance journalist | Stretch Thatruth | 11-21-2010
This just in from Mt. Everest. The clouds have parted on the high peak, revealing an astonishing sight perched just behind the summit; a giant luminous sphere, blazing with an internal light. Scientists estimate the circumference of the orb to be 62.8 feet with a 20 foot diameter. While the origin of the ball is unknown, scientists speculate the phenomenon is a mystery. After an intense eight hour study, experts have concluded that their findings are non-conclusive. The report is forthcoming.
Freelance reporter | Ima Rea Porter | November 19, 2010
Photo Author: Jon Sullivan
Photo Website: http://www.public-domain-photos.com/space/3
Filed by freelance journalist, Mekes U. Sik
Rep. Charles Rangel, Democrat from New York, was convicted on 11 of 13 charges against him. The ethics committee recommended censure. According to the AP, censure would consist of Mr. Rangel standing before his colleagues and receiving an oral rebuke.
Other disciplinary actions being considered are:
Hand smacking: Mr. Rangel would receive several sharp raps on the back of his hand.
Time out: Mr. Rangel would be forced to sit in another room for an unspecified amount of time and reflect on what he did wrong.
Writing on the board: Mr. Rangel would be required to write 100 times on a chalkboard that he will not commit ethics violations again.
Loss of privileges: Mr. Rangel will not be allowed to play video games or watch his favorite TV shows for a specified period of time.
Going to bed without supper: Mr. Rangel would be sent to bed one night without having his evening meal. He would also forego any bedtime snacks.
Chores: Mr. Rangel would be required to wash dishes and carry out the garbage for one week, or until he learns his lesson, whichever comes first.
Each of these penalties is severe by Washington standards. A lighter punishment could have been recommended such as a reprimand or a fine, but it is obvious Mr. Rangel is having the book thrown at him. There has even been talk of sitting him in the corner or allowing the former house speaker to administer swats to his bottom with a wooden paddle on C-Span.
In an unrelated story, Mr. Clive Klodpiper failed to report rental income of $100 on his 2008 taxes. The IRS has levied his farm, seized his vehicles and private property, and confiscated his bank accounts. He has been sentenced to 20 years in prison and ordered to donate a kidney to an unnamed justice department official. His passport has been rendered invalid, his 30 year marriage to Hortence has been annulled against his wishes, and his vehicles sold for revenue to be applied to his tax debt. When he has served his prison sentence, he will be required to register as a tax offender. He will also be subject to fines and penalties in excess of $700,000,000.
But, at least he won’t be censured. He really lucked out.
A wardrobe gathered today in front of the Delbert Jones residence in North Wichita to protest cruel and inhumane treatment of clothes by the family. A spokesman for the group, a pink shirt, claims the Jones family routinely subjects their clothing to a combination of water torture in a medieval device known as "The Washer", and the excessive heat of a clothes dryer.
"I used to be red," the shirt stated with obvious passion. "But thanks to the despicable actions of this family, I have faded." The shirt went on to say that this is not an isolated incident. This type of abuse takes place every day all around the world.
"We're going to hang around here until we bring attention to the plight of our fellow garments," a pair of boxer shorts said. The rest of the laundry gave a rallying cry. Violence nearly broke out but was quelled by a Sunbeam Electric Combination Iron & Steamer.
We will keep you updated on this developing story.
-filed by I.M. Lieeng, roving reporter
Thanks to Peter Griffin for use of his photo
Scientists took a healthy, twenty-foot long dragon and injected the initial dose of Gonnalos Aton, the new weight loss drug of the century, or perhaps of a lifetime. They were astonished by the effects the drug had on this reptilian creature.
As can be seen from the photo above, the once magnificent Flingorian Dragon has been reduced to a mere inches from the tip of its nose to the point of its tail. The FDA has not approved the drug for human use at this time; stating, ‘Further research is necessary in order to prevent drastic weight losses.
An unforeseen and unfortunate side affect for the dragon must also be reported; its once glittering scales have withered, giving the animal the appearance of extreme age even though the dragon is still in its youth. A second side affect appears to be the unavoidable exhalation of smoke from the mouth and nostrils.
For those of use wanting, or needing, to lose weight, we now have something for which to look forward. Line up to get your first injection the when the drug hits the pharmacies. But beware; you may end up adorning somebody’s fingertips, like this shrunken example of a once majestic dragon.
-Freelance reporter | Ridy Culous | 3:00 p.m. ET |-pj
Check out the following site for awesome creations by Jan Oliehoek:
MAN MARRIES GIANT CRAWDAD
This report just in from our correspondent, Diss N. Genuous:
Barney Frankfurter, a California fisherman, met his bride when she took a hook for him on a hot summer evening two short months ago. It was love at first sight. The couple was united yesterday in a civil ceremony on the pier before a small group of well-wishers and inebriated dock workers. They will honeymoon on Gilligan’s Island and then settle into domestic bliss on Barney’s houseboat. Only one awkward moment marred the happy occasion; when the bride discovered shrimp on the menu at the reception. After a brief argument, the offending dish was replaced with plankton and the celebration continued. The Frankfurters are registered at Sea World, Long John Silver’s, and Bass Pro Shops. Their needs include towel sets, aquarium supplies, and fish food.
ROBOTS DISCRIMINATED AGAINST
This report just in from our correspondent, B. F. Lyer
A piece of sweeping and controversial legislation was passed today banning all robots from driving motor vehicles. Several groups have called this new law prejudicial and discriminatory. A well-regarded political analyst blames passage of the Draconian law on misaligned districting, asserting that robots are underrepresented in Congress. This claim is completely discredited by simply looking at a list of the majority of politicians currently serving. The robot vote was instrumental in the political victories of at least 75% of sitting Congresspersons.
How this will impact the robot community is a hotly debated issue. Many robots will be forced to sell their vehicles to humans, or dismantle them and turn them into yard art and other unsightly sculptures. This could lead to a sharp increase in unattractive landscaping, warns one urban beautification expert.
During an interview with one robot, Xerz, he expressed the outrage felt by an entire population. “What the hell happened to civil rights in this country?” he intoned in a flat mechanical voice. Although his monotone did not convey actual emotion, the frustration can be inferred. Xerz stated that he would now be biking to his job in the Land of Oz, which will add 3.478 hours to his commute each day.
Robot advocacy groups warn this legislation will have a huge impact on the upcoming election. “We’re the ones who voted them in,” states Xerz, “and this is the thanks we get?”
The automobile insurance industry is lobbying for repeal and lawsuits are pending on behalf of numerous state and local governments, upon whom the burden of enforcement has fallen. "I don't like the idea of pulling over every robot I see driving a car," one sheriff complained. In response to that sentiment, some politicians are suggesting the IRS take an active role in compliance oversight. "After all, if anyone can relate to robots, it's the IRS," said former Speaker Peelouse with a stiff unyielding smile as she struck various campy poses for disinterested photographers.
More on this story as it develops.
Friday, October 29, 2010
At approximately 2:45 p.m. today, a UFO was said to have slowly descended from the clouds to hover over the White House. Seconds after making its appearance, a bright beam of light exited the rear of the vessel and penetrated the roof of the official residence and principal workplace of the President of the United States.
Within the White House, members of the President’s cabinet reported that a light burst from the ceiling and ‘sucked’ the President up. In a blink of the eye, the leader of the United States vanished.
Outside, witnesses report seeing an object, possibly a person, within the light just before it blinked out. The UFO remained above the building for several more seconds before disappearing into the sky trailing a streak of white.
Havoc ensued. At the time of this report, the President has not been located. Across the nation, people are reacting to the President’s disappearance in different ways; from shock and dismay, to elation.
In a related report, drinkers of champagne will face disappointment in the upcoming months as the USA’s supply of the bubbly concoction disappeared in a matter of hours.
-Freelance reporter | Fho Nee | Eyewitness Account | 3:00 p.m. ET |-pj