wodke-hawkinson.com Blog Musings from deviant minds (Or how writers think)


Amazing New Weight Loss Breakthrough

dragon on fingertipsPeople strive to lose weight; they go on diets, they exercise, they count calories. Amazing news has just been released on a drug that reduces and stunts weight gain?

Scientists took a healthy, twenty-foot long dragon and injected the initial dose of Gonnalos Aton, the new weight loss drug of the century, or perhaps of a lifetime. They were astonished by the effects the drug had on this reptilian creature.

As can be seen from the photo above, the once magnificent Flingorian Dragon has been reduced to a mere inches from the tip of its nose to the point of its tail. The FDA has not approved the drug for human use at this time; stating, ‘Further research is necessary in order to prevent drastic weight losses.

An unforeseen and unfortunate side affect for the dragon must also be reported; its once glittering scales have withered, giving the animal the appearance of extreme age even though the dragon is still in its youth. A second side affect appears to be the unavoidable exhalation of smoke from the mouth and nostrils.

For those of use wanting, or needing, to lose weight, we now have something for which to look forward. Line up to get your first injection the when the drug hits the pharmacies. But beware; you may end up adorning somebody’s fingertips, like this shrunken example of a once majestic dragon.

-Freelance reporter | Ridy Culous | 3:00 p.m. ET |-pj

Check out the following site for awesome creations by Jan Oliehoek:


Man Marries Giant Crawdad

giant crawdad


This report just in from our correspondent, Diss N. Genuous:

Barney Frankfurter, a California fisherman, met his bride when she took a hook for him on a hot summer evening two short months ago. It was love at first sight. The couple was united yesterday in a civil ceremony on the pier before a small group of well-wishers and inebriated dock workers. They will honeymoon on Gilligan’s Island and then settle into domestic bliss on Barney’s houseboat. Only one awkward moment marred the happy occasion; when the bride discovered shrimp on the menu at the reception. After a brief argument, the offending dish was replaced with plankton and the celebration continued. The Frankfurters are registered at Sea World, Long John Silver’s, and Bass Pro Shops. Their needs include towel sets, aquarium supplies, and fish food.


Robots Discriminated Against

robot on bike


 This report just in from our correspondent, B. F. Lyer

 A piece of sweeping and controversial legislation was passed today banning all robots from driving motor vehicles. Several groups have called this new law prejudicial and discriminatory. A well-regarded political analyst blames passage of the Draconian law on misaligned districting, asserting that robots are underrepresented in Congress. This claim is completely discredited by simply looking at a list of the majority of politicians currently serving. The robot vote was instrumental in the political victories of at least 75% of sitting Congresspersons.

 How this will impact the robot community is a hotly debated issue. Many robots will be forced to sell their vehicles to humans, or dismantle them and turn them into yard art and other unsightly sculptures. This could lead to a sharp increase in unattractive landscaping, warns one urban beautification expert.

During an interview with one robot, Xerz, he expressed the outrage felt by an entire population. “What the hell happened to civil rights in this country?” he intoned in a flat mechanical voice. Although his monotone did not convey actual emotion, the frustration can be inferred. Xerz stated that he would now be biking to his job in the Land of Oz, which will add 3.478 hours to his commute each day.

Robot advocacy groups warn this legislation will have a huge impact on the upcoming election. “We’re the ones who voted them in,” states Xerz, “and this is the thanks we get?”

The automobile insurance industry is lobbying for repeal and lawsuits are pending on behalf of numerous state and local governments, upon whom the burden of enforcement has fallen. "I don't like the idea of pulling over every robot I see driving a car," one sheriff complained. In response to that sentiment, some politicians are suggesting the IRS take an active role in compliance oversight. "After all, if anyone can relate to robots, it's the IRS," said former Speaker Peelouse with a stiff unyielding smile as she struck various campy poses for disinterested photographers.

More on this story as it develops.


UFO Descends upon White House

Friday, October 29, 2010

UntitledAt approximately 2:45 p.m. today, a UFO was said to have slowly descended from the clouds to hover over the White House. Seconds after making its appearance, a bright beam of light exited the rear of the vessel and penetrated the roof of the official residence and principal workplace of the President of the United States.

Within the White House, members of the President’s cabinet reported that a light burst from the ceiling and ‘sucked’ the President up. In a blink of the eye, the leader of the United States vanished.

Outside, witnesses report seeing an object, possibly a person, within the light just before it blinked out. The UFO remained above the building for several more seconds before disappearing into the sky trailing a streak of white.

Havoc ensued. At the time of this report, the President has not been located. Across the nation, people are reacting to the President’s disappearance in different ways; from shock and dismay, to elation.

In a related report, drinkers of champagne will face disappointment in the upcoming months as the USA’s supply of the bubbly concoction disappeared in a matter of hours.

-Freelance reporter | Fho Nee | Eyewitness Account | 3:00 p.m. ET |-pj


In Search of a Really Good Book – Major Publishers Are Not the Only Show in Town Anymore


The problem with big name publishers is sometimes the content of their selections. When looking for a really good book, most readers turn to the major publishers. After all, bookstores are crowded with books by Simon & Schuster, Random House, Penguin, etc. But, readers should be aware that the major publishers are not the only venue for good books. In fact, much of what qualifies for publishing by the major players are formulaic novels. This is not to say the books aren’t good, but so many of them tend to follow a formula that it sometimes feels they were put out by a literary cookie cutter rather than an author slaving away in the dark of night over a keyboard.

Independent and small press publishers offer another alternative. While some of their books are formulaic, there are also some that branch out into non-predictable zones for discriminating readers. And if you add self-published books, you open yet another world of possibilities. Self-published books have gotten a bad rap; sometimes deserved, sometimes not. Certainly there are those self-published books that should never have made it into print. But there are also gems out there waiting to be discovered.

Whatever genre is your preference, you may be getting tired of the predictable. I know I am. Therefore, I have decided to give self-published books a chance.

Books are expensive these days and any discerning buyer is loathe to lay down hard earned cash on a potential drag of a book with poor grammar, incorrect spelling, lack of plot, and a mishmash of dribble. However, I am so tired of the major publishers tying up the market that I am willing to risk a few bucks to find out what else is out there.

Many readers prefer a smooth easy read. While literary novels have their place, their pages are sometimes filled with the very types of writing our English teachers warned us about. Fragments. Lack of clarity. Disjointedness. Some books are so very “literary” that they are an effort to plow through. While they might be masterpieces of literary merit, they do not resonate with the masses. At least, not until a movie is made from the book. And oftentimes the author’s intent or meaning is so obscure, it’s anyone’s guess what he or she is trying to say.

So, give some thought to trying a self-published book. Just check one out. You might find the worst writing on the face of the planet (although I must say I have found awful writing in some releases from so-called major publishers), or you might find a treasure. Step out of your comfort zone!

The market is crowded with thousands upon thousands of books. When it comes to fiction, it’s sometimes difficult to tell from the blurb whether or not you will enjoy the book. All you can do is try it.

I, for one, am very happy to see the proliferation of self-published books. The publishing industry is not unlike the music industry where a handful of elites at the top make the decisions for the rest of us about what we should like or not like. I prefer to make those decisions myself, in my reading and in my music. That’s why I frequently shop lulu.com and cdbaby.com. It’s time we give independents a fighting chance!